. .

Laugh Out Loud:
ho ho ho!

This one was forwarded by a faithful reader and all for fun...

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the  squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f#cking putt, didn't you?"

Words for a new generation:
Blamestorming:  Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis:  Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. 
Chainsaw Consultant:  An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. 
Cube Farm:  An office filled with cubicles. 
Ego Surfing:  Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Idea Hamsters:  People who always have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque:  The disgusting build-up of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Mouse Potato:  The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. 
Ohnosecond:  That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
Perot:  To quit unexpectedly, as in "My celluar phone just perot'ed."
Prairie Dogging:  When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMS:  What yuppies turn into when they have children and one ofthem stops working to stay home with the kids.  Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Opressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird:  To transmit a signal to a satellite. 
Starter Marriage:  A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. 
Stress Puppy:  A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. 
Swiped Out:  An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because  the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 
Tourists:  People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists." 
Treeware:  Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. 
Xerox Subsidy:  Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Going Postal:  Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
Alpha Geek:  The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person inan office or work group.  "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Assmosis:  The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. 
Beepilepsy:  The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in virbator mode).  Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence. 
Chips and Salsa:  Chips = Hardware, Salsa = Software.  "Well, first we gotta figure outin the problem's in you chips or your salsa. 
Dancing Baloney:  Little animated GIFs and other WEB F/X  that are useless and serve simply to impress clients.  "This page is kinda dull.  Maybe a little dancing baloney will help." 
Depotphobia:  Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend.  Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.
Flight Risk:  Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company of department soon.
Generica:  Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is.  "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."
GOOD Job:  A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job.  A  well paying job people take inorder to pay off debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Irritainment:  Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.  The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Midair Passenger Exchange:  Grim Air-Traffic-Controller-Speak for a head-on collision.  Mid-air passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain." 
PEBCAK:  Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between the Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions.  Another variation on the above is ID10T:  "This guy is an ID-Ten_T on his system."
Percussive Maintenance:  The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Seagull Manager:  A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Square-Headed Girlfriend:  Another word for a computer.  The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer-widow." 
Telephone Number Salary:  A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
Umfriend:  A sexual relation of dubious standing.  "This is uh,....Dale, my....um.....friend..."
Uninstalled:  Euphemism for be fired.  Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a down-sizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president.  Please dial our main nu mber and ask the operator for assistance."  Also see Decruitment. 
Vulcan Nerve Pinch:  The taxing hand position to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands.  For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Yuppie Food Stamps:  The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal:  "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps." 
Tink:  Acronym for a highly paid single consultant.  Ten Incomes, No Kids!

One morning a woman and her baby were taking public transportation.  
As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow! That is one ugly baby."  
The woman, deeply hurt, just continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.  
The man asked, "What's wrong, you look mad?"  
She replied, "I am." "That bus driver just insulted me."  
"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect.  
If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him."  
"You're right sir, I think I will report him," she said. The elderly man said,  
"You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you." 
Signs you've had too much of the '90s Part I  by Laura Riedlinger  
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave. 
2. You haven't played patience with real cards in years. 
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask, "Do you fancy going down the pub?" and they reply, "Yeah, give me five minutes". 
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. 
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.  
8. You consider regular mail painfully slow or call it "snail mail". 9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. 11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a 0 to get an outside line. 
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 
14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro. 
15. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket. 
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise. 
17. You learn about your redundancy on the 6 o'clock news. 
18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes. 
19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 
20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. 
Anonymous Email FWD: 
> >> > 
.> >> >Alabama: 
> >> >Yes, we have electricity 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Arizona: 
> >>  > But It's a Dry Heat 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Arkansas: 
> >>  > Litterasy Ain't Everthing 
> >>  > 
> >>  > California: 
> >>  > As Seen on TV 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Colorado: 
> >>  > If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Connecticut: 
> >>  > Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less 
> >>  > Character 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Delaware: 
> >>  > We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Florida: 
> >>  > Ask Us About Our Grandkids 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Georgia: 
> >>  > We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Hawaii: 
> >>  > Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru 
> >>  > (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Idaho: 
> >>  > Potatoes and NeoNazi's ... What More Could You Ask 
> >>  > For? 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Illinois: 
> >>  > Please Don't Pronounce the "S" 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Indiana: 
> >>  > 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Iowa: 
> >>  > We Do Amazing Things With Corn 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Kansas: 
> >>  > Where Science Don't Mean Sh__! 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Kentucky: 
> >>  > Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Louisiana: 
> >>  > We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our 
> >>  > Tourism Campaign 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Maine: 
> >>  > We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Maryland: 
> >>  > A Thinking Man's Delaware 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Massachusetts: 
> >>  > Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax 
> >>  > Brackets) 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Michigan: 
> >>  > First Line of Defense From the Canadians 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Minnesota: 
> >>  > 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000  
> >>  > Mosquitoes 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Mississippi: 
> >>  > Come Feel Better About Your Own State 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Missouri: 
> >>  > Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Montana: 
> >>  > Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing 
> >>  > Crazies, and Very Little Else 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Nebraska: 
> >>  > Ask About Our State Motto Contest 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Nevada: 
> >>  > Whores and Poker! 
> >>  > 
> >>  > New Hampshire: 
> >>  > Go Away and Leave Us Alone 
> >>  > 
> >>  > New Jersey: 
> >>  > You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto 
> >>  > Right Here! 
> >>  > 
> >>  > New Mexico: 
> >>  > Lizards Make Excellent Pets 
> >>  > 
> >>  > New York: 
> >>  > You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the 
> >>  > Right to an Attorney... 
> >>  > 
> >>  > North Carolina: 
> >>  > Tobacco is a Vegetable 
> >>  > 
> >>  > North Dakota: 
> >>  > We Really are One of the 50 States! 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Ohio: 
> >>  > At Least We're Not Michigan 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Oklahoma: 
> >>  > Like the Play, only No Singing 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Oregon: 
> >>  > Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Pennsylvania: 
> >>  > Cook With Coal 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Rhode Island: 
> >>  > We're Not REALLY An Island 
> >>  > 
> >>  > South Carolina: 
> >>  > Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender 
> >>  > 
> >>  > South Dakota: 
> >>  > Closer Than North Dakota 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Tennessee: 
> >>  > The Educashun State 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Texas: 
> >>  > Si' Hablo Ing'les 
> >>  > (Yes, I speak English) 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Utah: 
> >>  > Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Vermont: 
> >>  > Yep 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Virginia: 
> >>  > Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't 
> >>  > Mix? 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Washington: 
> >>  > Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Washington, D.C.: 
> >>  > Wanna Be Mayor? 
> >>  > 
> >>  > West Virginia: 
> >>  > One Big Happy Family-Really! 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Wisconsin: 
> >>  > Come Cut Our Cheese 
> >>  > 
> >>  > Wyoming: 
> >>  > Where men are men and sheep are scared 
Sent in by "Lunch Break" group 

HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE 

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) 
3) Insist that your e mail address be : xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com 
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'. 
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.' 
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy". 
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 
13) dontuseanypunctuationorspaces 
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 
15) Ask people what sex they are. 
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 
17) Sing Along at the opera. 
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) 
20) Send e mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going.  For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom. 
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. 
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 
23) Hum when you ride an elevator. 

AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy PeOple: 

24) Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you! 

From the Gang at the Pentagon!!! 

Based on records prior to the summer break: 
29  members of Congress have been accused of spouse abuse, 
7  have been arrested for fraud, 
19  have been accused of writing bad checks, 
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses, 
3  have been arrested for assault, 
71  have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card, 
14  have been arrested on drug-related charges, 
8  have been arrested for shoplifting, 
21  are current defendants in lawsuits, 

and in 1998 alone, 84  were stopped for drunk driving, 
but released after they claimed Congressional immunity. 

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. 

Q: What is it when an Antartian blows into another Antartian's ear? 
A: Data transfer. 

Q: What did the Antartian say when she found out she was pregnant? 
A: "I wonder if it's mine?" 

Q: Why shouldn't Antartian's have coffee breaks? 
A: It takes too long to retrain them. 

Q: What do you call an eternity? 
A: Four Antartians at a four-way stop. 

Q: How do you confuse an Antartian? 
A: Give him a package of M&M's and tell him to put them in alphabetical order. 

Lottery  by  Torres, Olga 

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" 
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack  for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?" 
He says, "I don't care. Just get out!" 

Another one from the Pentagon... 
Female Brain vs. The Male Brain
From the Gang at the Pentagon!!!  

One day in heaven, the Lord decided he would visit the earth and take a stroll.  
Walking down the road, the Lord encountered a man who was crying.  The Lord  asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?"  The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset.  
The Lord touched the man...he could see, and he was happy. 
As the Lord walked further, he met another man crying and asked, "Why are  you crying, my son?"  The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk.   

The Lord touched him, he was able to walk,  and he was happy.  
Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked,  "Why are you crying, my son?"  The man said, "Lord, I work for the Government,"  
The Lord sat down and cried with him. 


I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play with. 

A girl phoned me the other day and said ...."Come on over, there's nobody home."  I went over. Nobody was home. 

If it weren't for pickpockets,  I'd have no sex life at all. 

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel. 

One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" 
He said, "Because you came home early." 

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. 
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. 

I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. 

I could tell that my parents hated me.  My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. 

I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. 

I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. 

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and 
said  to  my father, "I'm very sorry.  We did everything we could... But he pulled through." 

I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness - after I was born. 

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.  He said he wanted more proof. 

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?" 
He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide." 

My wife made me join a bridge club.  I jump off next Tuesday. 

I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. 

I went to see my doctor  "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up.   What's wrong with me?" he said..."I don't  know but your eyesight is perfect." 

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

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