Lusty Lisa

Okay, we're just assuming the first part of this drink's name fits today's birthday girl, Lisa Marie Presley. Then again, how could the offspring of the King and Priscilla, and the ex-wife of Michael Jackson, not be?

To make the Lusty Lisa, pour 3/4 oz. vodka, 1 1/2 oz. peachtree schnapps and 1 1/2 oz. blue curacao over ice in a mixing cup. Stir, then strain into a shot glass. And sing happy birthday to Cilla and E's pride and joy.


Where's Dick?

Has anybody seen our vice-president, Dick Cheney? News reports keep saying he's at Camp David or some other presidential hideaway. But it really would be nice to know where the guy is today because it's his birthday. And for the slippery vice-president, we're making a Slippery Dick.

In an 8-10 oz. rocks glass, over ice, pour 1 1/2 oz. butterscotch schnapps, 2 oz. Bailey's Irish Cream, and 3-4 oz. half-and-half cream. Mix and serve this slick concoction with both hands.


Grand Marnier

An interesting gift for the bartender or drink aficionado in your family might be Grand Marnier. Not only does this cognac make for a fine after-dinner drink, but with its orangey aftertaste, it's a nice addition to any margarita. Just add 1/2 oz. to 3/4 oz. to any traditional margarita. The added wrinkle to this fine liqueur is that it's used in many desert recipes. That makes it a great gift for the "chefs" on your gift list, too. Don't just take a bartending tip writer's word for it. Try some yourself today, or visit Grand Marnier's Web site.


Massacre

Mental health professionals say the suicide rate increases significantly during the holiday season. Perhaps it's only fitting that the leader of what turned out to be a suicide mission, General George Custer, was born on this very day in 1839. That's why to commemorate one massacre, we're mixing another kind of Massacre.

Over ice in a 10-oz. highball glass, pour 1 1/2 oz. tequila and 1/2 oz. Campari, and fill to the top with ginger ale. Stir, serve, and try to keep your scalp.

Shirley Temple & Roy Rogers: Kids Drink the Darndest Things!

Mix these "cocktails for kids" so they won't ask for a sip of your beer or wine. Simply fill a 12-oz glass with ginger ale or Sprite over ice. Add a splash of grenadine (cherry juice) and garnish with a cherry. That's a Shirley Temple. Follow the same steps, replacing the ginger ale with Coke, and you have a Roy Rogers. So now even the kids can belly up to the bar.

Baywatch

He made sucking in your gut an art form. And he did it with hot babes like Pamela Anderson and Yasmin Bleeth at his side. As if that weren't enough, Germans love to hear him sing. He's David Hasselhoff, and today is his birthday (July 17). To celebrate, we'll try the drink named after his megahit TV show.

In a mixing glass, pour 1 oz. vodka, 1 oz. Galliano, and 4 oz. orange juice. Shake, then pour into a hurricane-size glass over ice, adding whipped cream on top. Tastes best wearing orange.

Happy birthday, David. You had a really good run.

Aviator Fuel

Had Amelia Earhart only packed a thermos of this concoction, some idiot might not be writing a tip like this to commemorate her birthday. Alas, she did not! So, we'll toast her birthday with some Aviator Fuel.

In a 10-oz. highball glass, pour 1 1/2 oz. vodka and fill the rest with equal portions of 7-Up and lemonade. Umbrella garnish optional.

Sex Drink of the Month: August

It's been a tough night at the club. Every girl you ask to dance has shot you down. Last call slowly approaches and the girls you passed by earlier in the evening still aren't looking any better later on in the night. You need a Cockteaser. Maybe two.

To make a Cockteaser, pour 1/2 oz. peachtree schnapps, 1/2 oz. melon liqueur, and 1/2 oz. triple sec into a mixing glass over ice. Strain into a shot glass, knock that baby down and get back out there. Closing time comes too soon.


'Who Wants a Millionaire?'

How's that for a "loaded" question? Sorry, folks. But celebrating the ubiquitous Regis Philbin's birthday (August 24) just brings the punster out in every writer. And since everyone does want to be a millionaire, except of course billionaires, what better drink to go with Reege's birthday cake tomorrow than Millionaire's Coffee?

Just pour 1/2 oz. Bailey's Irish Cream, 1/2 oz. Frangelico, and 1/2 oz. Kahlua into a mug, filling the rest with java. Add whipped cream to the top and you've got an after-dinner drink that really does help them eat cake. Dagnabbit, it happened again!

Wild, Wild Mae West

If Madonna lived in the 1920s, she'd have been Mae West. Then again, who would she have copied? Anyway, the woman who asked "why don't you come up and see me some time, big boy?" was born today. So, let's celebrate with a Wild Wild West.

In a 10-oz. highball glass over ice, pour 1 1/2 oz. Jack Daniels, 1 oz. peachtree schnapps (DeKuyper recommended), and fill to the top (like Mae) with cranberry juice. Yummy!

Thanksgiving Special

For those of you old enough, a Thanksgiving special could mean Bing Crosby and his family singing holiday tunes over a few glasses of OJ. For those of you poor enough, that could mean spam in the shape of a turkey. For our readers, it means pouring 3/4 oz. apricot brandy, 3/4 oz. dry vermouth, 3/4 oz. gin, and 1/4 tsp. lemon juice over ice in a mixing cup. Stir, then strain into a rocks glass, and be grateful that you're not old enough or pathetic enough to remember Crosby's family Thanksgiving specials.

Presidential Margarita

We know what you're thinking. George W. swore off drinking when he turned 40. Yet this presidential cocktail is not for our current commander-in-chief, but to toast the birthday of two guys who once had the job and are no longer with us: Warren G. Harding and James K. Polk (November 2).

In a mixing cup, add ice, 1 1/2 oz. brandy, 1 1/2 oz. tequila, 1 1/2 Cointreau, and the juice of several limes. While this mixture chills, salt the rim of the glass by running a wedge of lime around it and dipping it in a small bowl of salt. Add a few ice cubes to a margarita glass, and then strain the mixture into the glass. Garnish with a lime, then sing "Hail to the Chiefs."

American Pie

For lack of a better description, the movies that came out in the summer of 2001 bit. The lone exception is "American Pie 2," which this writer laughed unashamedly at, and will probably go see again before it leaves the theaters. But this is a bartending tip column and not a mini-Siskel & Ebert gig, so we've got to find a fit for alcohol in here somewhere.

So, how's this? You rent the original "American Pie" and fix yourself a cocktail of the same name. Take a large hurricane-sized glass, about 12-16 oz.; fill it with ice; and then fill 1/3 of the glass with sour mix. Add a splash of grenadine. Then pour 1 1/2 oz. vodka, followed by 7-Up, until the glass is 2/3 full. Then top off with 1/2 oz. of blue curacao. Do not stir, for this will disturb the "flag" appearance.

After you finish the drink and the rental, head back out to the movie theaters for "American Pie 2" -- assuming it's still in the theaters, which is a pretty good bet.


Bill & Hill: Still The Ones

They've taken more shots than a pinata, not a few of them self inflicted. Yet Bill and Hillary Clinton are still together and going strong after all these years. And today is their wedding anniversary (October 11). So, that's what we're drinking, a Wedding Anniversary.

Over ice in a 10-oz. highball glass, pour 1 oz. vodka, 1 oz. Galliano, 1/2 oz. Campari, and fill to the top with orange juice. Shake and serve. Then shake and imbibe as America's couple celebrates another year together.

Cinco de Mayo

May 5th used to mean something. It used to be the day two days after my birthday (sorry, folks, I'm still a little hung up on myself from yesterday). Then, someone hipped me up to the joys of Cinco de Mayo and May 5th has never been the same. So tomorrow when you're out celebrating some Mexican holiday that you have not clue one about, at least know about the drink of the same name. In a mixing glass over ice, pour 2 1/2 oz. of clear tequila and 1 oz. of grenadine and Rose's lime juice each. Stir then strain into an 8-oz. tumbler. Garnish with a lime. And remember, May 5th is not just two days after the tip writer's birthday any more.

Sex Drink of the Month: Dirk Diggler

If you liked him in the movie "Boogie Nights," you'll love it in a glass. And without an exaggerated prosthetic!

To make a Dirk Diggler, fill a highball glass with ice, and then add 2 oz. of Jagermeister and fill to the top with your favorite root beer. Then diggle it, just a little bit ...

An Irish Cactus

Okay, this is yet another oxymoron. Kind of like "army intelligence" or "rap music." And if you've ever visited Ireland without an umbrella, you know cacti are few and far between. Yet we have to celebrate St. Patrick's Day with something better than green beer. This concoction of 2 oz. of Irish cream (Bailey's recommended) and 1 oz. of tequila fits the bill -- despite ingredients that seem like polar opposites. So, top of the morning to you, and may you be in heaven a half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

April's Rain

As we say "goodbye" to March and "hello" to April, let's not do something cliché and drink like April fools. Let us embrace the charm of the month, the blossoming of a new season. Okay, all right. We can leave that drivel by the side of the road. We all know it's going to rain a lot in the coming month. Granted, we probably need it, it doesn't make sitting inside watching rain streak down your windowpanes any easier.

To take advantage the rain delay, how about April's Rain the drink? Over ice in a mixing cup, pour 2 oz. of vodka, 1/2 oz. Rose's limejuice, and 1/2 oz. vermouth (sweet or dry, your choice). Strain into a martini glass. Garnish with a lime and let your smile be your umbrella.

Baseball Pleasure for Opening Day

One of the rites of spring is opening day of the major league baseball season. Of course, in many parts of the country, it's simply too damn cold to start the season on April 2nd. That's where a little Baseball Pleasure comes in.

In a highball glass over ice, pour 1 1/2 oz. vodka, a splash of whiskey (VO recommended) and a splash of amaretto (Di Saronno recommended), then fill with orange juice. Game on!

Disgusting Drink of the Month: The Peter

Once again, the name of this concoction is derived from an unfortunate colleague forced to mix it for a patron obviously bereft of taste buds.

In a 10-oz. highball glass, over ice, pour 1 1/2 oz. brandy (Hennessy preferred) and fill with orange juice. Garnish with a cherry. Add a splash of grenadine if you really want to give it some color. Tums or other antacid optional.

Stuck on Traffic

In taking on the war against drugs, "Traffic" was one of the heavier movies of the year. Not to mention a heavy favorite to take best picture. Yet, all this "heaviness" doesn't bode well for a drink recipe, especially for those of us who attempt to be somewhat calorie-conscious. With those folks in mind, we give you Traffic Light. In a shot glass, pour 1/3 a shot of (about 1/2 oz.) grenadine, 1/3 Galliano, and 1/3 melon liqueur (Midori recommended). The beauty of this concoction is that you don't have to wait for it to turn green to imbibe.

Spring Training Special

As baseball's spring training winds down, let's celebrate with a punch to quench the thirst of everyone following Grapefruit League action down in Florida. The Grapefruit Teaser is the name of this game, and it calls for a regular punch bowl, filled with 10 oz. of grapefruit juice, 4 oz. of Malibu rum, and limejuice to taste. Add ice. Adjust amount of ingredients to crowd size. Play ball!

And The Winner Is ... Gladiator

Okay, by now we know who won the Academy Award for Best Picture. Unfortunately, that announcement doesn't coincide with EMAZING's submission deadlines for its tip writers. Therefore, we are going to assume that "Gladiator," as many predicted, took the Oscar. Then again, we all know what happens when you a-s-s-u-m-e, and we'll let you figure that acronym out on your own.

To honor the film we think took the grand prize, let's make a drink bearing the same title. In a 10-oz. highball glass, over ice, pour 3/4 oz. amaretto (Di Saronno recommended), 3/4 Southern Comfort, and fill the remainder with equal portions of OJ and 7-Up. Please remember to thank God and the Academy when toasting with this concoction.

Fruitier Sex On The Beach

Seeing how this is the second SOTB recipe of Spring Break, this drink should last longer. But, if you're sucking down this concoction under a hot, tropical sun, there are no guarantees.

Over ice in a highball glass, pour 1 1/2 oz. vodka, 1/2 oz. peachtree schnapps (Dekuyper recommended), 1/2 oz. Cointreau (for a raspberry flavor), and fill the rest with OJ and cranberry juice. Garnish with a pink umbrella (optional).

Sex On The Beach Shot

Okay, we're midway through Spring Break and no one's been injured, impregnated, or otherwise permanently altered. That's calls for a shot. Perhaps even a pitcher of shots.

In a pitcher, over ice, pour 1 oz. vodka, 1 oz. triple sec, 1 oz. peachtree schnapps, 1 oz. apple schnapps, and then 2 1/2 oz. of both OJ and Sprite -- adding just a splash of grenadine for some color. Strain into shot glass or grab several straws and drink it out of the pitcher. Social!!!!

Sex On The Beach, Spring Break Style

Now that it's Summer, more than a few students from the United States' fine learning institutions will adjourn. That week is often spent in a reflective mode, with America's youth contemplating their futures in the real world. Ah, who's kidding whom? Summer means beaches, booze, and babes, and that's where America's finest are at this time of year. And to celebrate, we'll indulge in several variations of Sex on the Beach -- the drink, that is.

We'll start the week off slow with a milder version of S.O.T.B. In a highball glass over ice, pour 1 1/2 oz. of Malibu rum, and then fill with pineapple juice, adding a splash of grenadine and Sprite for flavor and color. Bottom's, ahem, up!

For Your Valentine

Anyone can send flowers, pick up some chocolates, or put a card in the mail. It's the true romantic who can create a special love potion for his or her significant other. Hence, the cocktail known as Valentine.

Over ice in a 10-oz. highball glass, add 2 oz. of banana liqueur, 1 oz. of vodka, and fill to the top with cranberry juice. Serve with two straws. Awwww!

The Valentine

Not just any old valentine. THE valentine. This four-liquor drink might be a reach for your average bartender. Yet a bartender who's had his or her heart broken a time or two knows this alcoholic equivalent to a quart of ice cream. Rocky Road.

In a 10-oz. highball glass, add 1/2 oz. of vodka, 1/3 oz. Chambord or raspberry liqueur, 1/3 oz. chocolate liqueur (Godiva recommended), and 1/3 oz. Kahlua. Stir, serve, and have tissues handy.


Extreme Valentine

There's no truth to the rumor that the St. Valentine's Day Massacre in Chicago took place after a few rounds (pun not intended) of Extreme Valentines. Though you could see that happening.

Over ice in a large glass, 12-oz. or more, pour two 1 1/2 oz. shots of vodka, then add equal amounts of root beer and Mountain Dew until the glass is full. Garnish with an orange. It shouldn't be too difficult to get, ahem, loaded (pun intended) on these.


Disgusting Drink of the Month: Dry Screw Spritzer

Sure, this possibly could have qualified as the Sex Drink of the Month.  Yet the name itself does not conjure up pleasant images.  Plus, the bartender who submitted this concoction has already had one "Disgusting" combination named after her.  Therefore, the name of this drink comes from yours truly.

In a highball glass over ice, pour 1 1/2 oz. of dry vermouth.  Fill the remainder of the glass evenly with orange juice and soda water.  Voila, the Dry Screw Spritzer.  Bottoms and stomachs up!

Sex Drink of the Month:  L'il Johnson

This drink recipe proves that having a l'il "Johnson" isn't such a bad thing.  In fact, even the best endowed would not mind a l'il Johnson.  Especially when it involves mixing 1 1/2 oz. of vodka, 3/4 oz. Jack Daniels, and Rose's lime juice in an 8-oz. tumbler.  Ice optional.  And remember, it's not the size of the drink that makes you sick, it's the commotion in the potion.

Drunk on Christmas

Wrapping paper everywhere.  Relatives soon on the way and not likely to leave any time soon.  Is there a better reason for Drunk on Christmas?  Perhaps only to celebrate peace on earth and good will toward all men (and women).

In a mixing glass over ice, pour 3 oz. of melon liqueur (Midori recommended), 2 oz. of Irish whiskey, 1 oz. of apple schnapps, and 4 oz. of sour mix.  Stir and strain into two 8 oz. tumblers over ice.  Garnish with maraschino cherries.

In case you're wondering whom the second drink is for, just remember the name of this recipe.  Do you really think you can achieve that status with just one?

Celebrating Chanukah!

After researching and digging deep into the bartending archives, this bleary-eyed bartender could find no mixed drink to celebrate Chanukah -- short of pouring a glass of manishevitz.  However, to honor the man whose Chanukah Song has touched millions, I give you the Adam, in honor of Adam Sandler.

In a highball glass over ice, mix 2 oz. of dark rum with 1 ounce of lemon juice and a teaspoon of grenadine.  Then put on your yarmulke, and let's all celebrate Chanukah!

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